Why is trusting so hard?

The past week in Colorado has been amazing...not only have I gotten to reconnect with close friends and family, but I've gotten to climb beautiful mountains and have awesome views! Also, I'm getting to do the type of PT that I love on a daily basis and it's wonderful- so much better than school! Everything has been going "well" since coming out here but still there's something deep within me that just doesn't feel right. I can't ignore this gnawing away feeling because I know that anxiety is rooted deep in my soul. I am constantly worried about where I will get a job, how I will get that job, what I can do to make myself more marketable for jobs, etc. Constantly all day, everyday, I am thinking about these things and I'm not just casually thinking and daydreaming about them but I am worrying frantically about them! I am fearful, anxious, and scared.
I don't know at what age my dream of living and working as a PT in CO started but it's been there at least since early college. Being out here now just confirms my desire to live and work out here because I love it! Since I have always wanted to be out here and planned on it working out I have no back-up plan. Any other place to live/work sounds unappealing to me. I know that sounds dramatic because there are so many amazing places in the country and world I could work but I have had my heart set on out here for a while now.
Since moving out to CO I have constantly been told that it is impossible to get jobs in the healthcare fields as a new grad and there are no openings for PTs anywhere in this area. This has been so discouraging to hear but part of it motivates me because in the past whenever I've been told that I can't do something it just has made me work harder to prove them wrong. But this situation is different because there's just no job openings and if there are then I am not qualified for it because I don't have enough experience. I would like to say that I am not afraid of the future and that I'm not stressed at all about finding a job but that would be a lie. I'm worried that I will show up for graduation in December and not have any job leads. I am anxious that I will return home from Kenya in March and live back home for the first time since highschool with absolutely no job interviews planned while the rest of my classmates are working.
I am very aware that anxiety has taken root in my soul and God keeps kindly asking me to give it over to Him. Sometimes when He asks me I give it to him and I trust him. But most the time I deny Him and I just run away. I have had 2 "come to Jesus moments" when I've realized what's been going on in my soul and I have completely trusted God and His perfect will. But the rest of the week I have been freaking out. Why is trusting so hard? Why is it so difficult to trust God with my plans and my future when time and time again in the past He has proven to be faithful and provide?

One of my favorite quotes from the book Cold Tangeries is "Life with God at it's core is about giving your life up to something bigger and more powerful. It's about saying at every turn that God knows better than we know and that his Spirit will lead us in way we couldn't have predicted."

I have found a lot of encouragement in this quote because I know that I need to give up my fear and anxiety about getting a job. I need to give up my dreams and trust that God has bigger and better planned for me. I need to trust the God of the Universe, the God that created me, and the God that created the beautiful mountains that I'm looking at right now as I write this.

I have been looking up lots of passages on fear/anxiety and there are SO many in the Bible. Fear and anxiety aren't necessarily new sins that just started with our generation- they've been sins of every generation so God had a lot to say about them in the Old and New Testament. If you want to see the site with lots of verses on fear and anxiety then go here (http://www.openbible.info/topics/fear_and_anxiety) but I wanted to share some of my favorites: Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Psalsms 56:3 "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."
1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxities on him becuase he cares for you."

Yes, trusting is so hard. It always has been and it always will be. There always will be a choice. Live in fear or live in the freedom of trusting God.

 

 

Hellos...and goodbyes

Goodbyes are so hard. I've had to say too many of them in the past six months.
   First, I had to say goodbye to all of my best friends from PT school. This was so difficult because they had become my family in Iowa City and they were my source of encouragement and support. There were so many wonderful people who helped me get through those tough two years and I am confident I would not have made it through without them. I remember telling my roommate when we were moving out "I wish that I didn't love and invest so deeply in people because it just hurts so bad to say goodbye." I just wanted to be able to pack up my stuff and leave without having to say so many tearful goodbyes. I didn't feel ready to say goodbye to those friends and it felt like part of my heart was being left behind while leaving that place.

   Then, I moved to downtown Chicago.  At first I didn't want to meet new people and become invested in new friendships because I knew I would only be there for 9 weeks. But I met some AWESOME people and I was naturally inclined to become close with them. I found wonderful friends that I got to go on adventures and explore the city with. They were such a source of encouragement to me and got me through some hard days of internship and life. By the end of my nine weeks there I realized that I considered all of those new friends just like sisters and I found myself in a very similar place as before...regretting having made such close connections because it was so hard to leave and say goodbye. I love those friends and I loved the time that we spent together and I wasn't ready for it to end yet. 

   Next, I moved to North Carolina where the first two weeks were a struggle because I literally knew no one and I had no idea where to even start making friends. I resorted to my usual strategy of just talking to everyone I met and asking them to hangout (haha- I realize this is a very bold strategy but I was in a very desperate place- I needed friends!). After two weeks I had already fallen in love with the area and I had made over 20 new friends. North Carolina ended up being one of the best experiences of my life. If you would've told me that at the end of the clinical I would actually be sad to leave the state I would not have believed you. The friends that I made showed me such Southern hospitality and they invited me into their families, into their homes, and into their lives. I've only been gone a week and I already miss my friends so dearly. God taught me so many things through all of these friendships which made it so hard to say goodbye again. Now I'm in the same place again wondering why I have to love so deeply, why I invest so quickly and why I always end up in this place with my heart aching because I miss people.
   The past week off I got to reconnect with most of my family and bestfriends back in the Midwest. It was priceless time I got to spend with my loved ones and I'm so thankful for it. I got to rejoice with them over all the wonderful things that are happening in their lives and I got to share all of the life lessons that I'm learning with them. I'm so thankful that I got to reconnect with these people but I absolutely hated leaving. I left the Midwest on my drive to Colorado and kept repeatedly thinking "Why does it have to be so hard to say goodbye?"

   Although I do go through these stages of being really sad and angry that I have to move on and say lots of goodbyes, I also see the extreme beauty in the hellos.  I am so thankful for every single one of the friendships that I have made. I have written over 50 thank you notes in the last six months and all of them are filled with extreme gratitude for all of the huge amounts of love, encouragement, support and generosity I have received. I made a list of everything that I've learned about myself, about others, about life, and about God during my time both in Chicago and in North Carolina and the list included over 45 items. A lot of the things I listed have been revealed to me through the people that I have met and that I'm now blessed to call friends. God has used all these people in my life as vehicles to teach me some really beautiful lessons that have forever changed me. 

   There have unfortunately been a lot of days where my heart has hurt like it does now and I know that there'll be a lot more to come in my future but I am so thankful for these friendships. I am so thankful that I have a heart that can love and invest in others. It is one of the most beautiful gifts God has given me and I never want to neglect it. My challenge for myself and for my friends and family is to never hold back. Always open up your heart to others, always invest, and always love. Yes, the goodbyes are tough but this is how God intended us to live and IT'S WORTH IT.

"An adventurous life does not necessarily mean climbing mountains, swimming with sharks, or jumping off cliffs. It means risking yourself by leaving a little piece of you behind in all those you meet along the way."

Happy birthday Dad!

 Happy Birthday to my wonderful Father! Words can't explain how much I love my Dad and how thankful I am to God for giving me such a great Dad! There are so many things that I appreciate and admire about him but I'm going to just highlight a few today...
 First of all, I really appreciate and admire how hard of a worker my Dad is. After going through physical therapy school I have a new appreciation for how hard studying in the medical field can be and after working in the medical field with my internships I realize how demanding of a job it is as well. It is so amazing to me how my Dad goes to work everyday to provide for my family and rarely complains about how hard he's working or how many hours he spends there a week! My Dad has always lived by the principle "work hard, play hard" because once he's done working hard he is ready to "play" and have fun with his family and/or friends!
 This leads me to my second point...my Dad always puts my family first. Never once have I felt like work has come over my family. A lot of people make the assumption that my Dad was never around growing up when they hear that he is a doctor but the truth is that my Dad was around a LOT. Not only did he never miss a single volleyball or tennis meet, but he actually made the drive down to middle-of-nowhere Missouri a lot of Tuesday afternoones for tennis meets at Truman. (it's a three hour drive both there and back just for a tennis meet and to take my teammates out to dinner afterwards) My Dad knows that the meaning of life is relationships and he shows that by the way that he lives his daily life. Never once have I questioned if he loves me or cares about me because he makes it so evident in the way that he lives. He daily calls me, emails me, texts me and is always encouraging and affirming me, even on his busiest of days! There were numerous calls throughout PT school where I would complain and announce that I was going to drop/fail out but he always would give words of encouragement and support. There were numerous phone calls were I would complain about my heart getting hurt and my Dad always would tell me to lean on my Heavenly Father and he would tell me how much he loves me. There were numerous tennis matches where I played like crap but my Dad didn't care he was always give me a hug afterwards regardless of the outcome. My dad has always been my number one cheerleader and I know he always will be.
 The third thing I admire about my Dad is that he never settles for less than his best. He is constantly wanting to become a better man, a better father, a better surgeon, a better friend, a better spouse, a better mentor, etc. He is always wanting to excel in all areas of life. I have seen this very evident recently as I have seen him really intentionally grow in his faith which inspires me to do the same.
 Fourth of all, my Dad LOVES adventure. For example, for his birthday weekend he is goinng mountain biking with a couple buddies in Utah. Another example is when he came out to visit me in North Carolina we went surfing and kiteboarding all weekend! Our trips have always been adventures- from backpacking trips to medical mission trips to third world countries. He is constantly wanting to live on the edge, take risks, and have adventures! I love his desire to live life to the fullest.
 Fifth of all, I really admire how my Dad invests in everyone around him. Whether it is investing time and energy in my brothers and I, or if it is spending time with Iowa State football players that he mentors, my Dad is always investing, mentoring and helping the people around him. On my long roadtrip from NC to Colorado one billboard I saw said "Real men mentor." It was an advertisement for Big Brothers and Big Sisters but I thought it fit for my Dad because ever since I can remember he has always been mentoring younger men in his life- teaching them how to be better men, better husbands, and better dads.
 Sixth, my Dad LOVES people. He loves asking questions and getting to know people. He loves hearing what they're all about and what they're passionate about. Anyone that knows my Dad has experienced how much he enjoys asking questions. The cool thing is he does this because he cares so much about people and he wants to know what makes people tick so he can better love them.
 Seventh, my Dad loves my Mom so well. It is so neat to see the way that he loves and serves her. I could seriously talk for a while on this one so I'll have to address this point another time! ; )

 Eighth, I really appreciate that my Dad is not afraid of showing his emotions. So many people (especially guys) are afraid to ever feel deeply and are afraid to use their words to express their feelings. I firmly believe that God has given us our emotions for a reason and they're there in order that we can fully experience and embrace this life on earth. Some of the most special memories I have shared with my dad involve some tears but that's what makes them so special. They were raw and vulnerable moments where deep emotions were felt and shared. I know that my Dad cares about me and loves me because that is evident through his emotions. So many men are disengaged from their feelings which causes them to be disengaged from their relationships but this is not the case for my Dad.
 Ninth, my Dad has always loved the things and people that I love. When I started playing tennis he started playing tennis because he wanted to be able to share that part of my life with me.(and it unfortunately frustrates me now because he's way better than me and I hate losing, haha). But the coolest thing to see is the way that my Dad loves my friends. My Dad knows how much my friends mean to me so, therefore, they also mean a lot to him. I can't even begin to count how many of my friends he has taken out to dinner and we have shared many numerous "meal questions" pondering life and it's many questions over a meal together. It means so much to me that not only does my Dad want to get to know me and love me, but he also wants to get to know and to love the people that I know and love.
 Last but not least, my Dad understands his purpose and meaning in life. He is so grounded in his faith in God and he realizes that nothing on this earth is going to satisfy him like his relationship with his Heavenly Father does. I have always been so encouraged and challenged by the way that he studies the Word of God and shares it with others, always telling the people in his life to seek the Lord first. I continually am learning from the way my Dad lives out his faith on a daily basis and I hope to one day love the Lord and serve the Lord with the same passion that he does.
 Sometimes people tell me that I'm a lot like my father...I don't know if that's completely true or not but I sure hope that one day I can become half the person that he is and exhibit at least some of the characteristics that I have listed above. It has been so neat to see my brothers get older because I can see my dad's great character traits so evident in their lives as they grow up and become men of God themselves.
 Happy Birthday to you Dad! We are so thankful for you and we love you so much!