Type A: THE ACHIEVER

I've learned a lot about myself over the last five months of clinicals- lots of things have been new lessons, and some have been the same lessons from earlier in life, just repeated.
The one lesson that keeps blaring loudly into my life over and over is how I find my worth and identity in what I accomplish and achieve on a daily basis.
Since finishing PT school classes in May I have realized what it's like to have FREE TIME. It was a foreign concept for me to have free time up until now with school and athletics taking over most of my life but now I have weekends and nights off. The thing that's sad though is that I never take this time to relax or rest. I always fill up my time with things. If I don't fill up my schedule then I go crazy. I start to feel lazy, unproductive and worthless because I'm not getting things done, I'm not accomplishing things, and I'm not checking things off my to-do list.
I have been working 4-twelve hour shifts a week here in CO so I have one day off in the middle of the week. Even though I have the whole day off  I have the hardest time letting myself relax or take it easy. The truth is that when I have time off I literally DON'T KNOW HOW TO RELAX. I feel like I need to be productive 24/7. I've always lived wanting to use every moment to achieve or accomplish something so to not do that is so foreign.
 My wonderful mother has been the one that has been pointing out this area of struggle in my life. When I was last sick in July my mom sent me an email that talked about a personality test that she had taken called the Enneagram. I don't know if anyone is familiar with the Enneagram but you take a test and it tells you what personality type you are. She thought that I was the  "THE ACHIEVER
The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptive, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious" and that I was believing the statement "I produce, therefore I am." The description was "these people work hard to succeed and they hate to fail. They are threatened by illness and inactivity makes them crazy. The life task of these people is to see sickness as a signal, a chance for transformation."
When my mom sent me this email I was quick to tell her that it didn't describe me. But the truth is that it describes me perfectly. Why do we always deny things that are completely true? Well in this case it's because I didn't want to admit this was true, but it totally was and still is. I love to achieve things and I hate to not accomplish anything. The hardest times in my life have always been times of illness and injury because I am not able to perform and accomplish things like I want to.  Starting in high school I had multiple bouts of mono and injuries which forced me to rest and be "unproductive". These periods of ilness and injury have continued throughout college and grad school. You'd think that I would have learned my lesson by now right? Well I guess I'm a slow learner!
Why can't I be okay doing nothing? Why can't I sit and relax without feeling obligated to do something?
Why do I have to convince myself that its okay to only workout for an hour? or that its okay to not workout at all?
Why do I have to reassure myself that its okay to be alone? and that I don't have to be helping people and encouraging others all day long?
Why do I have to remind myself that its okay to not be busy every single second? and that just because I have a PT boards licensure test coming up doesn't mean I have to study 24-7. And just because I don't have a job yet doesn't mean I have to use every minute to apply for jobs.
The only reason these things are okay is because my identity is not found in what I produce and accomplish in a day. It is found in Christ alone. He is going to love me no more if I cross off all 20 things on my to-do list, or if I cross off zero.
I am not loved by the Lord because I produce and accomplish things and because I have "good" time management skills. I am loved by the Lord because I am his daughter, and he made me and knows me better than anyone else. Once I start to really know and understand this love then hopefully I will be okay with taking a day off and just being... Hopefully someday soon I will be able to rest and not go manic thinking of all the things that I should be doing with my "free time".
One of my favorite quotes is:"We rarely stop to face and feel the deep hunger and thirst in our souls that are meant for God" This is so true in my life. I rarely stop or slow down to feel or see my need for God.  I very infrequently take a break to remember that nothing here on earth is going to satisfy me like the Lord will.
Whether you can relate to this addiction of achieving or not I hope that you can find rest today in who you are, a beloved child of God. You can do nothing more to achieve that. Your identity is in him alone. Set the list of things to-do aside and rest in the Lord's love for you.


If you're interested in more info on the Enneagram you can go here http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeThree.asp