It was all worth it

There were numerous days of PT school that I didn't know if I was going to make it. That might sound slightly dramatic but I actually mean it. If you don't believe me then you can either talk to any of my immediate family or talk to my roommate. All of those guys (plus numerous others) seriously deserve a gold medal for all of the support, love, and encouragement they gave me through the rough last two and a half years.
There was the first semester that I didn't know if I could pass our Kinesiology&Pathomechanics class, then there was the second semester I didn't know if I would make it through Neuro Anatomy, then the next fall I didn't know if I could stay in school with all of my health issues, and that following spring I didn't know if I could finish because I was just so tired of school. But guess what? Here I am- I made it! I graduated! I'm completely done with my DPT degree. CRAZY! God is so good. It is seriously nothing less than a miracle that I've made it here.
I think my parents got sick of all the texts and calls where I would say that I was quitting PT school. There were lots of ideas I threw out when I talked about quitting. One of them was going and working in a third world country at an orphanage because I felt so selfish devoting all of my time to schoolwork and not doing anything else for others. Another was just quitting and being a "full-time friend". My friends always gave me a hard time about the "full-time friend" idea because it obviously sounded completely ridiculous but I just really love being a friend. I love writing letters, I love celebrating birthdays and other special occassions, and all-in-all I just love being a friend. So the best thing about both of those ideas is that both of them are going to happen now and I didn't even have to drop out of grad school to make them happen!
 The first is happening because I'm traveling to Kenya in February to volunteer as a PT for a month, both treating patients and also educating the Kenyan PT's on better treatment techniques. The second gets to happen everyday in my future profession. In the outpatient orthopedic setting I get to be "friends" with all of my patients as I work with them several times a week for multiple weeks.
It was kind of ironic because in the same period of time that I received my randomly assigned license plate of "BFF" (which makes me think of the middle school saying "Best Friends Forever") was the time when my clinical instructor told me "Our job is all about relationships. You really have to be friends with all your patients." The whole time he was saying that I was thinking "Is this real life? I get to be friends with all these people and get paid for it?!? That's a dream come true!" Okay, I know when it comes down to it working everyday as a PT won't be perfect but I still feel very blessed to be in a career that I get to combine my love for people and my passions for anatomy and exercise.
The crazy thing is that I've made it through school and I never thought I'd say this but it was ALL worth it. I have said it at least a 100 times since starting clinicals and hopefully I'll be saying it until the day I die. It was all definitely worth it.
All of the nights of cramming, all of the stress and anxiety,and all of the complaining and venting. Although all of those things weren't probably necessary all of the time but they happened. There were a lot of sacrifices I had to make through grad school. Lots of things I wanted to do and lots of people that I loved had to be put on the backburner in order to get the grades I needed in grad school. But if that's the cost I had to pay to be where I'm at now then it was worth it. Every test, every lab practical, every single part of grad school that I hated at the time, it was worth it.
I love PT.I love what I get to do on a daily basis.I know that I've only gotten to experience 7 months in the "real world" but after that short time in the clinic I am so excited for the career I have ahead of me. And I am fully aware that just like school, I will have both good and bad days at work, but overall I know that it will be great because I get to help people everyday for the rest of my life.
I am blessed to be where I am now and I can confidently say "It was ALL worth it."

Dare to Dream

I just finished the LAST day of clinical internships, the last day of being a PT student in the clinic, the last day of working for free...after over 40 weeks of it I'm ready to be done! I am very excited, however, it was sad to leave the clinic today for numerous reasons. First of all, I was leaving my dream PT position because I loved the clinic that I was at. Second, I was leaving the state that I had fallen in love with. Third, I was leaving my friends and family that I had gotten close with over the last 2 months. Fourth, I was leaving my patients that I had become rather attached to. (Couple quick patient stories: one patient started balling when I told her I was leaving and she gave me a long extended wet hug with all her tears falling on me and she didn't let go of me for over 3 minutes...LONGEST, MOST AWKWARD HUG EVER! Another elderly woman asked me where the ballot was that she could fill out to request that I stay longer at the clinic. Funniest part was that she was DROP DEAD SERIOUS! Several of my other patients asked if they had to keep coming to PT because they said "I feel like I'm doing a little better already and it just won't be the same at all without you".)
All of my patients asked me the same question of "What's next?" and my typical answer was "Well I'm going to Iowa to graduate and celebrate Christmas with my family and study for my boards exam and then I'll go to Kenya to work as a PT for a month. After that I hope to move back to Colorado to get a PT job."
All of the above is truth but tonight I'm focusing on the last sentence. I want to move out to Colorado. I want to get a job there. But here's the problem...I don't have a job yet and there don't seem to be  many jobs available. It was so sad to say bye to the mountains today knowing that I might never live in Colorado again.
The one factor that keeps me at peace is knowing that I did everything I possibly could in order to get a job there. I was fortunate enough to work four-12 hour days so I had one week day off to network with PTs each week. Every week day off I would drive around to 1-3 clinics throughout an 1.5 hr radius and "job shadow" with the end goal being trying to meet as many PTs as possible and make a good impression so they could put a face to my resume. It is crazy the doors that God opened to me in Colorado. The amount of people that I met that introduced me to PTs or physicians in the Denver/Boulder/Fort Collins area was incredible. I literally could tell over 15 stories about how I got in contact with different clinics and met various PTs. The cool thing is that I got to visit almost all 15 of those clinics. I have NO IDEA if any jobs will come from those visits but I have complete confidence that I was supposed to spend all of that time commuting and job shadowing because God wanted me at all those clinics. All of the PT clinics said the same thing of "We are impressed by your resume. We don't have any positions open but we will let you know if any open up. You are definitely a great new grad applicant but we don't ever hire new grads."
At one of the clinics I visited they told me that they had received over 500 resumes for one PT position in Colorado. It reminds me kinda of PT school where there's a ridiculous amount of applicants but very few spots, however, it's even worse this time around because everyone is a licensed PT, most of them having way more years of experience than me. I know that I would have a lot better odds at getting a job anywhere else in the country, but here's the thing, that's not my dream right now. My dream is ADVENTURE. It's MOUNTAINS. It's COLORADO.
One of the many reasons being in Denver the last two months was awesome was because I got to hangout with my awesome cousin Amanda who is full of wisdom. We had several good conversations about what it looks like to dream with God. It got me starting to ask questions like "What's the difference between our dreams and what God's dreams are for us? Does God plant dreams in our hearts? What does it look like to dream with God?"
I don't know the answers to all those questions yet but I do know that God made us dreamers for a reason. God has given us dreams, some of them unfold and some of them don't. And just because some of them don't unfold doesn't mean that we shouldn't dream.
Right now my dream is getting a job in Colorado. I want to live there for a couple years and embrace every possible outdoor adventure there is the mountains. I want to climb the 14ers, mountain bike the Boulder trails, ski in every mountain town, white water raft down the rivers...etc. When I dream, I dream of working and living in Colorado. But with this dream I have to trust that if God wants it to happen then it will and if it doesn't then I have to have faith that he was way better dreams for me.
So what does it mean to dream with God? I think it means dreaming BIG.
What does it look like to dream with God? I think it means daring to write down your dreams. If you write them out it means they're real and they exist. If you write them out you're looking at them square in the face and admitting that you can't deny them anymore. I think it's good to write out both short and long-term dreams. For some those dreams might be to get a job in a certain location like it is for me. For others it might be to get married and have a family. I know that's mine eventually but in the short term it is to have ADVENTURE. And right now adventure looks like Colorado.
I'm dreaming BIG tonight. And I will continue to even if the chances look extremely slim that my dream will unfold. I'm going to strive for the impossible of getting a job in Colorado. If I fail then it's okay because it means God's got better dreams for me and I'm excited to see what those will be.

Go DREAM BIG tonight. I dare you.

Psalm 37:4         
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 

Rejoicing and mourning

One thing I've learned over the past six months is how hard it is to find the balance between letting people grieve and mourn when appropriate but at the same time helping encourage them to find hope. I have had a hard time finding this balance not only with family and friends in my life, but most importantly with my PT patients.

At my inpatient rehab clinical at Duke in North Carolina all of my patients had just undergone a very life altering event, like a stroke or spinal cord injury, and they would have very emotional days because they were grieving over the loss of functioning like they used to in their life- whether it was their inability to walk or the reality that they would never be able to use the right side of their body again. There were many days that the patient would cry throughout the whole PT session because they were working so hard to get back to their prior level of activity but they just were unable to do the same things as before. One of my patients was a 60 year-old African American woman who had a stroke. She would try so hard to move her right arm and leg but she would get so frustrated and start saying over and over again in her Southern accent "I just want to be able to make Thanksgiving dinner for my family..." and then the tears would start flowing. Another patient was a young gentleman with a brain tumor who had both severe physical and mental deficits from the huge mass in his brain but all he wanted to do was be able to sit on the floor and play with his two kids but he didn't have the strength to do so. He had short term memory loss so everyday we would have to remind him why his limbs weren't working like they used to and why he couldn't get on the floor to play with his kids.
 Here in Colorado my patients are not in as serious of condition but several of my patients have really severe chronic pain. One patient has had 4 hip surgeries in the last four years and he is still unable to walk and he will probably end up getting a total hip replacement at the age of 26. He has two little ones at home that he is not able to walk or play with. He hasn't been able to work for years and he is frustrated that he is not able to provide for his family. He told me he hasn't been happy a single day since his initial injury. Another patient was in a serious car accident 3 years ago and he has had shooting nerve pain in his entire right arm and he has not been able to use it at all since the injury. He has been unable to find any pain relief and he can't find a job that he can do without the use of that arm. Everyday he shows up for PT his eyes are completely blood shot because he's in so much pain and he hasn't been able to sleep for over an hour at a time since his initial injury 3 years ago. This patient said there hasn't been a moment that he hasn't thought about his shooting pain since the car accident.
I could continue on and on with lots of stories like these because on my clinicals I've seen so many people going through some really tough stuff. I've been reminded often of how everyone around me is fighting some kind of struggle. Like Plato said "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." The question is how do you have sympathy for people when you really have no idea what they're going through? I can try to put myself in their shoes and understand what they're going through but I will never fully be able to appreciate their situation. The truth is that I really have no idea how many physical, psychological, and spiritual challenges they are facing.
I know that we are called to love these people and to help carry their burdens but what does that look like? 1 Peter 3:9 says to "Have sympathy, have brotherly love, and have a tender heart."
I know that I completely fail at all of the above. I don't do a good job of having compassion on these patients, or on people in general. Henri Nouwen states, "The definition of compassion is to suffer with." I fully realize that I don't do a good job of suffering with the people in my life. Instead I will just feel bad for them but I don't feel bad with them. I don't ever take the time to grieve with them or mourn with them. I always try to encourage them and cheer them up but it's important for me to give them that time to grieve and mourn and then to meet them where they're at in their spot of grieving and mourning.
The Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5 says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." and Romans 12:15 says "Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn."
I wish I could say that I'm good at both those things but I'm really not. I still have a lot of growth that needs to happen in this area of my life.
The rejoicing part I'm good at. But that's because it's easy! Everyone enjoys celebrating with others over the victories in life. The other day one of my patients was taken off his rotator cuff "no resistance" restrictions by his surgeon so I was talking to him in my really high pitched excited voice as I went to go pick up the 1 lb. weight that he was going to do bicep curls with. Everyone in the clinic was making fun of me because I was so excited for him! But I was just trying to celebrate with him because he could start lifting weights (even though it was 1 lb) for the first time in 3 months! I have lots of other examples of rejoicing with those who are rejoicing. For example, I love birthdays and I love making a huge deal out of them because I love celebrating another year of life for that person and I love celebrating having that person in my life. Another example would be how several of my best friends have gotten engaged in the last few months and I have seriously gone ECSTATIC. But again this is easy to do. It's so fun and so exciting!
The challenge I have for myself is to not just do the easy part of rejoicing, celebrating, and encouraging. I want to do the challenging stuff, and I want to go to the tough places and I want to meet those people in their suffering, mourning and grieving.
Send up some prayers my way as I start this new challenge! And feel free to ask me about how it's going a little while from now ; )

Living a big story

My brother Vince is my hero. I was blessed to have the opportunity to hangout with him for 4 days two weekends ago when he flew out to CO to visit me. We had SO much fun hiking, running, talking, eating, and hanging out with cousins and friends. I seriously love hanging out with Vince and I think he's one of the coolest people I know. There are so many things I admire about him and I'm confident that I could write a whole blog talking about how awesome he is but instead I'll just focus on the thing I admire most about him...Vince lives a BIG STORY.

Now you might be wondering what I mean by living a big story? I personally think it can mean a lot of different things and look a lot of different ways for different people. The definition I'm using for living a big story is realizing that life is bigger than ourselves. I think living a big story can definitely mean doing awesome adventures, like traveling, and taking crazy risks, like climbing mountains, (and obviously I'm a fan of both of the above) but more importantly, I think living a big story is living a life that is God focused. On the contrary, living a small story, would be living for yourself. Vince has realized that the key to living a big story is living a life for God and not for himself.

If you know me well you know that I always have a mantra that I'm focusing on. I would say the last 5 months since finishing school in Iowa City my mantra has been "Living a big story". Since May I have constantly been praying that I would live anything but a small story and that my world would be expanded. Vince embodies this mantra very well in his daily life. Whether it's eating breakfast every Friday morning with the homeless population in Waco, leading a bible study with the freshman guys on his dorm floor, or cliff jumping with his friends, he is always living a big story. He's always focusing on the Lord, living life on the edge and investing in the community around him, even if it's uncomfortable.

Living a big story can be scary. It often involves stepping into things that you don't feel comfortable with and taking risks you're not sure about taking. I completely agree with the quote "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone". I have been pushed outside my comfort zone many times in the last 5 months of living in 3 new states, with 3 different housing situations of people I had never met, with 3 different work settings that I did not feel comfortable with at the beginning.

Two days ago I was driving to work looking at the majestic mountains in front of me and it hit me that all I was living life all wrong. I was living a small story and all I was focusing on was achieving the "American Dream". The thoughts I had recently been consumed with were 1) work and getting a job, 2) relationships and whether the new people I've been hanging out with here like me. Now don't get me wrong here...there is nothing wrong with the "American Dream" and of wanting a good job and wanting good community. God has given us all desires for work that is meaningful and relationships that are fulfilling. But if that is all our life is built on then that's living a small story.
If we focus our lives on God and not on ourselves, then the story is guaranteed to be big. The truth is "nothing lasts but that which is eternal" so if our story is solely based on stuff of this world then unfortunately that's a small story. If you build it on the Lord and it'll be bigger than you can ever imagine.

I don't know much about the upcoming chapter of my life story (hopefully I'll graduate, pass boards and make it safely to Kenya and have a PT job when I return!) but all I can pray for is that it will be a BIG chapter so that ultimately I can live a BIG story.

If there is one thing that is said about me when I die I want it to be that I lived a big story. Not a story that was small and egocentric, but a story that was God centered, and others focused. The thing that's so cool is that when you're God focused then you're going to be others focused because there's someone inside you that loves others way more than you ever can on your own.

P.S. I can think of so many examples of people in my life that are living a big story other than my bro Vince, he was just a really perfect example and our time together inspired and encouraged me so much! But I want to commend everyone in my life that is living a big story. Thanks to y'all for being a good example to me of what it looks like to live a big story.

Type A: THE ACHIEVER

I've learned a lot about myself over the last five months of clinicals- lots of things have been new lessons, and some have been the same lessons from earlier in life, just repeated.
The one lesson that keeps blaring loudly into my life over and over is how I find my worth and identity in what I accomplish and achieve on a daily basis.
Since finishing PT school classes in May I have realized what it's like to have FREE TIME. It was a foreign concept for me to have free time up until now with school and athletics taking over most of my life but now I have weekends and nights off. The thing that's sad though is that I never take this time to relax or rest. I always fill up my time with things. If I don't fill up my schedule then I go crazy. I start to feel lazy, unproductive and worthless because I'm not getting things done, I'm not accomplishing things, and I'm not checking things off my to-do list.
I have been working 4-twelve hour shifts a week here in CO so I have one day off in the middle of the week. Even though I have the whole day off  I have the hardest time letting myself relax or take it easy. The truth is that when I have time off I literally DON'T KNOW HOW TO RELAX. I feel like I need to be productive 24/7. I've always lived wanting to use every moment to achieve or accomplish something so to not do that is so foreign.
 My wonderful mother has been the one that has been pointing out this area of struggle in my life. When I was last sick in July my mom sent me an email that talked about a personality test that she had taken called the Enneagram. I don't know if anyone is familiar with the Enneagram but you take a test and it tells you what personality type you are. She thought that I was the  "THE ACHIEVER
The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptive, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious" and that I was believing the statement "I produce, therefore I am." The description was "these people work hard to succeed and they hate to fail. They are threatened by illness and inactivity makes them crazy. The life task of these people is to see sickness as a signal, a chance for transformation."
When my mom sent me this email I was quick to tell her that it didn't describe me. But the truth is that it describes me perfectly. Why do we always deny things that are completely true? Well in this case it's because I didn't want to admit this was true, but it totally was and still is. I love to achieve things and I hate to not accomplish anything. The hardest times in my life have always been times of illness and injury because I am not able to perform and accomplish things like I want to.  Starting in high school I had multiple bouts of mono and injuries which forced me to rest and be "unproductive". These periods of ilness and injury have continued throughout college and grad school. You'd think that I would have learned my lesson by now right? Well I guess I'm a slow learner!
Why can't I be okay doing nothing? Why can't I sit and relax without feeling obligated to do something?
Why do I have to convince myself that its okay to only workout for an hour? or that its okay to not workout at all?
Why do I have to reassure myself that its okay to be alone? and that I don't have to be helping people and encouraging others all day long?
Why do I have to remind myself that its okay to not be busy every single second? and that just because I have a PT boards licensure test coming up doesn't mean I have to study 24-7. And just because I don't have a job yet doesn't mean I have to use every minute to apply for jobs.
The only reason these things are okay is because my identity is not found in what I produce and accomplish in a day. It is found in Christ alone. He is going to love me no more if I cross off all 20 things on my to-do list, or if I cross off zero.
I am not loved by the Lord because I produce and accomplish things and because I have "good" time management skills. I am loved by the Lord because I am his daughter, and he made me and knows me better than anyone else. Once I start to really know and understand this love then hopefully I will be okay with taking a day off and just being... Hopefully someday soon I will be able to rest and not go manic thinking of all the things that I should be doing with my "free time".
One of my favorite quotes is:"We rarely stop to face and feel the deep hunger and thirst in our souls that are meant for God" This is so true in my life. I rarely stop or slow down to feel or see my need for God.  I very infrequently take a break to remember that nothing here on earth is going to satisfy me like the Lord will.
Whether you can relate to this addiction of achieving or not I hope that you can find rest today in who you are, a beloved child of God. You can do nothing more to achieve that. Your identity is in him alone. Set the list of things to-do aside and rest in the Lord's love for you.


If you're interested in more info on the Enneagram you can go here http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeThree.asp

Why is trusting so hard?

The past week in Colorado has been amazing...not only have I gotten to reconnect with close friends and family, but I've gotten to climb beautiful mountains and have awesome views! Also, I'm getting to do the type of PT that I love on a daily basis and it's wonderful- so much better than school! Everything has been going "well" since coming out here but still there's something deep within me that just doesn't feel right. I can't ignore this gnawing away feeling because I know that anxiety is rooted deep in my soul. I am constantly worried about where I will get a job, how I will get that job, what I can do to make myself more marketable for jobs, etc. Constantly all day, everyday, I am thinking about these things and I'm not just casually thinking and daydreaming about them but I am worrying frantically about them! I am fearful, anxious, and scared.
I don't know at what age my dream of living and working as a PT in CO started but it's been there at least since early college. Being out here now just confirms my desire to live and work out here because I love it! Since I have always wanted to be out here and planned on it working out I have no back-up plan. Any other place to live/work sounds unappealing to me. I know that sounds dramatic because there are so many amazing places in the country and world I could work but I have had my heart set on out here for a while now.
Since moving out to CO I have constantly been told that it is impossible to get jobs in the healthcare fields as a new grad and there are no openings for PTs anywhere in this area. This has been so discouraging to hear but part of it motivates me because in the past whenever I've been told that I can't do something it just has made me work harder to prove them wrong. But this situation is different because there's just no job openings and if there are then I am not qualified for it because I don't have enough experience. I would like to say that I am not afraid of the future and that I'm not stressed at all about finding a job but that would be a lie. I'm worried that I will show up for graduation in December and not have any job leads. I am anxious that I will return home from Kenya in March and live back home for the first time since highschool with absolutely no job interviews planned while the rest of my classmates are working.
I am very aware that anxiety has taken root in my soul and God keeps kindly asking me to give it over to Him. Sometimes when He asks me I give it to him and I trust him. But most the time I deny Him and I just run away. I have had 2 "come to Jesus moments" when I've realized what's been going on in my soul and I have completely trusted God and His perfect will. But the rest of the week I have been freaking out. Why is trusting so hard? Why is it so difficult to trust God with my plans and my future when time and time again in the past He has proven to be faithful and provide?

One of my favorite quotes from the book Cold Tangeries is "Life with God at it's core is about giving your life up to something bigger and more powerful. It's about saying at every turn that God knows better than we know and that his Spirit will lead us in way we couldn't have predicted."

I have found a lot of encouragement in this quote because I know that I need to give up my fear and anxiety about getting a job. I need to give up my dreams and trust that God has bigger and better planned for me. I need to trust the God of the Universe, the God that created me, and the God that created the beautiful mountains that I'm looking at right now as I write this.

I have been looking up lots of passages on fear/anxiety and there are SO many in the Bible. Fear and anxiety aren't necessarily new sins that just started with our generation- they've been sins of every generation so God had a lot to say about them in the Old and New Testament. If you want to see the site with lots of verses on fear and anxiety then go here (http://www.openbible.info/topics/fear_and_anxiety) but I wanted to share some of my favorites: Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Psalsms 56:3 "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."
1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxities on him becuase he cares for you."

Yes, trusting is so hard. It always has been and it always will be. There always will be a choice. Live in fear or live in the freedom of trusting God.

 

 

Hellos...and goodbyes

Goodbyes are so hard. I've had to say too many of them in the past six months.
   First, I had to say goodbye to all of my best friends from PT school. This was so difficult because they had become my family in Iowa City and they were my source of encouragement and support. There were so many wonderful people who helped me get through those tough two years and I am confident I would not have made it through without them. I remember telling my roommate when we were moving out "I wish that I didn't love and invest so deeply in people because it just hurts so bad to say goodbye." I just wanted to be able to pack up my stuff and leave without having to say so many tearful goodbyes. I didn't feel ready to say goodbye to those friends and it felt like part of my heart was being left behind while leaving that place.

   Then, I moved to downtown Chicago.  At first I didn't want to meet new people and become invested in new friendships because I knew I would only be there for 9 weeks. But I met some AWESOME people and I was naturally inclined to become close with them. I found wonderful friends that I got to go on adventures and explore the city with. They were such a source of encouragement to me and got me through some hard days of internship and life. By the end of my nine weeks there I realized that I considered all of those new friends just like sisters and I found myself in a very similar place as before...regretting having made such close connections because it was so hard to leave and say goodbye. I love those friends and I loved the time that we spent together and I wasn't ready for it to end yet. 

   Next, I moved to North Carolina where the first two weeks were a struggle because I literally knew no one and I had no idea where to even start making friends. I resorted to my usual strategy of just talking to everyone I met and asking them to hangout (haha- I realize this is a very bold strategy but I was in a very desperate place- I needed friends!). After two weeks I had already fallen in love with the area and I had made over 20 new friends. North Carolina ended up being one of the best experiences of my life. If you would've told me that at the end of the clinical I would actually be sad to leave the state I would not have believed you. The friends that I made showed me such Southern hospitality and they invited me into their families, into their homes, and into their lives. I've only been gone a week and I already miss my friends so dearly. God taught me so many things through all of these friendships which made it so hard to say goodbye again. Now I'm in the same place again wondering why I have to love so deeply, why I invest so quickly and why I always end up in this place with my heart aching because I miss people.
   The past week off I got to reconnect with most of my family and bestfriends back in the Midwest. It was priceless time I got to spend with my loved ones and I'm so thankful for it. I got to rejoice with them over all the wonderful things that are happening in their lives and I got to share all of the life lessons that I'm learning with them. I'm so thankful that I got to reconnect with these people but I absolutely hated leaving. I left the Midwest on my drive to Colorado and kept repeatedly thinking "Why does it have to be so hard to say goodbye?"

   Although I do go through these stages of being really sad and angry that I have to move on and say lots of goodbyes, I also see the extreme beauty in the hellos.  I am so thankful for every single one of the friendships that I have made. I have written over 50 thank you notes in the last six months and all of them are filled with extreme gratitude for all of the huge amounts of love, encouragement, support and generosity I have received. I made a list of everything that I've learned about myself, about others, about life, and about God during my time both in Chicago and in North Carolina and the list included over 45 items. A lot of the things I listed have been revealed to me through the people that I have met and that I'm now blessed to call friends. God has used all these people in my life as vehicles to teach me some really beautiful lessons that have forever changed me. 

   There have unfortunately been a lot of days where my heart has hurt like it does now and I know that there'll be a lot more to come in my future but I am so thankful for these friendships. I am so thankful that I have a heart that can love and invest in others. It is one of the most beautiful gifts God has given me and I never want to neglect it. My challenge for myself and for my friends and family is to never hold back. Always open up your heart to others, always invest, and always love. Yes, the goodbyes are tough but this is how God intended us to live and IT'S WORTH IT.

"An adventurous life does not necessarily mean climbing mountains, swimming with sharks, or jumping off cliffs. It means risking yourself by leaving a little piece of you behind in all those you meet along the way."

Happy birthday Dad!

 Happy Birthday to my wonderful Father! Words can't explain how much I love my Dad and how thankful I am to God for giving me such a great Dad! There are so many things that I appreciate and admire about him but I'm going to just highlight a few today...
 First of all, I really appreciate and admire how hard of a worker my Dad is. After going through physical therapy school I have a new appreciation for how hard studying in the medical field can be and after working in the medical field with my internships I realize how demanding of a job it is as well. It is so amazing to me how my Dad goes to work everyday to provide for my family and rarely complains about how hard he's working or how many hours he spends there a week! My Dad has always lived by the principle "work hard, play hard" because once he's done working hard he is ready to "play" and have fun with his family and/or friends!
 This leads me to my second point...my Dad always puts my family first. Never once have I felt like work has come over my family. A lot of people make the assumption that my Dad was never around growing up when they hear that he is a doctor but the truth is that my Dad was around a LOT. Not only did he never miss a single volleyball or tennis meet, but he actually made the drive down to middle-of-nowhere Missouri a lot of Tuesday afternoones for tennis meets at Truman. (it's a three hour drive both there and back just for a tennis meet and to take my teammates out to dinner afterwards) My Dad knows that the meaning of life is relationships and he shows that by the way that he lives his daily life. Never once have I questioned if he loves me or cares about me because he makes it so evident in the way that he lives. He daily calls me, emails me, texts me and is always encouraging and affirming me, even on his busiest of days! There were numerous calls throughout PT school where I would complain and announce that I was going to drop/fail out but he always would give words of encouragement and support. There were numerous phone calls were I would complain about my heart getting hurt and my Dad always would tell me to lean on my Heavenly Father and he would tell me how much he loves me. There were numerous tennis matches where I played like crap but my Dad didn't care he was always give me a hug afterwards regardless of the outcome. My dad has always been my number one cheerleader and I know he always will be.
 The third thing I admire about my Dad is that he never settles for less than his best. He is constantly wanting to become a better man, a better father, a better surgeon, a better friend, a better spouse, a better mentor, etc. He is always wanting to excel in all areas of life. I have seen this very evident recently as I have seen him really intentionally grow in his faith which inspires me to do the same.
 Fourth of all, my Dad LOVES adventure. For example, for his birthday weekend he is goinng mountain biking with a couple buddies in Utah. Another example is when he came out to visit me in North Carolina we went surfing and kiteboarding all weekend! Our trips have always been adventures- from backpacking trips to medical mission trips to third world countries. He is constantly wanting to live on the edge, take risks, and have adventures! I love his desire to live life to the fullest.
 Fifth of all, I really admire how my Dad invests in everyone around him. Whether it is investing time and energy in my brothers and I, or if it is spending time with Iowa State football players that he mentors, my Dad is always investing, mentoring and helping the people around him. On my long roadtrip from NC to Colorado one billboard I saw said "Real men mentor." It was an advertisement for Big Brothers and Big Sisters but I thought it fit for my Dad because ever since I can remember he has always been mentoring younger men in his life- teaching them how to be better men, better husbands, and better dads.
 Sixth, my Dad LOVES people. He loves asking questions and getting to know people. He loves hearing what they're all about and what they're passionate about. Anyone that knows my Dad has experienced how much he enjoys asking questions. The cool thing is he does this because he cares so much about people and he wants to know what makes people tick so he can better love them.
 Seventh, my Dad loves my Mom so well. It is so neat to see the way that he loves and serves her. I could seriously talk for a while on this one so I'll have to address this point another time! ; )

 Eighth, I really appreciate that my Dad is not afraid of showing his emotions. So many people (especially guys) are afraid to ever feel deeply and are afraid to use their words to express their feelings. I firmly believe that God has given us our emotions for a reason and they're there in order that we can fully experience and embrace this life on earth. Some of the most special memories I have shared with my dad involve some tears but that's what makes them so special. They were raw and vulnerable moments where deep emotions were felt and shared. I know that my Dad cares about me and loves me because that is evident through his emotions. So many men are disengaged from their feelings which causes them to be disengaged from their relationships but this is not the case for my Dad.
 Ninth, my Dad has always loved the things and people that I love. When I started playing tennis he started playing tennis because he wanted to be able to share that part of my life with me.(and it unfortunately frustrates me now because he's way better than me and I hate losing, haha). But the coolest thing to see is the way that my Dad loves my friends. My Dad knows how much my friends mean to me so, therefore, they also mean a lot to him. I can't even begin to count how many of my friends he has taken out to dinner and we have shared many numerous "meal questions" pondering life and it's many questions over a meal together. It means so much to me that not only does my Dad want to get to know me and love me, but he also wants to get to know and to love the people that I know and love.
 Last but not least, my Dad understands his purpose and meaning in life. He is so grounded in his faith in God and he realizes that nothing on this earth is going to satisfy him like his relationship with his Heavenly Father does. I have always been so encouraged and challenged by the way that he studies the Word of God and shares it with others, always telling the people in his life to seek the Lord first. I continually am learning from the way my Dad lives out his faith on a daily basis and I hope to one day love the Lord and serve the Lord with the same passion that he does.
 Sometimes people tell me that I'm a lot like my father...I don't know if that's completely true or not but I sure hope that one day I can become half the person that he is and exhibit at least some of the characteristics that I have listed above. It has been so neat to see my brothers get older because I can see my dad's great character traits so evident in their lives as they grow up and become men of God themselves.
 Happy Birthday to you Dad! We are so thankful for you and we love you so much!

"for better or for worse,...in sickness and in health"

I woke up at 5am to check my phone for the time and I saw a text from one of my very best friends, Rachel, that said she was engaged! To say that I was excited would be the understatement of the century! For those of you who know me well, you know how EXCITED I get about engagements. I'm the borderline creepy friend who tends to be more excited than I should be- I'll cry when I hear about the engagement, I'll think constantly about how to celebrate it in the biggest and best way possible, and throughout the whole engagement/wedding process I'm usually overinvested as I try to help out with everything but at the same time not be overbearing.
I'm just so happy for Rachel and it's so beautiful to see how God has brought Chris into her life. It's been so encouraging for me to see how they have grown together and I'm so excited for their journey ahead. I could seriously go on and on about how thankful I am for their relationship and how happy I am for them but right now I'm going to branch off a little...I'm thankful for their engagement because I've been wanting to write a blog on marriage for a while but I haven't gotten up the courage to do it until now. I don't want to write on this topic and have everyone think that I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself in North Carolina since I'm single, because the thing is that I'm actually really happy and I feel so blessed for where I am at in my life right now. I am so ecstatic for my bestie Rachel, and my bro and sister-in-law in their recent marriage, and for my other good friends that have recently been engaged or married. I feel very strongly that commiting to spend your life with someone for the rest of your life is the most beautiful thing.
I have gotten a completely new view on the commitment of marriage in the last two months. When you work on a rehab floor you're doing an average of 2 hours of physical therapy with each of your patients everyday. Since you spend so much time with them you get to know them and their spouses so well. The best part of my job is this relationship building aspect. There are over 30 couples that I've seen on the rehab floor that have inspired me but I'm going to just list a couple here...
A young adult patient had a brain tumor removed 3 years ago with only a couple year prognosis and he has had multiple brain surgeries since then. Every time he undergoes another brain surgery he loses the majority of function in half his body so he has to come back to rehab for therapy for several weeks to months. Also, he has had a significant amount of brain damage which has impacted his short term memory and he frequenly makes up details and facts which makes interacting with him difficult at times. It has been the most inspiring thing to see his wife sit by his side and be his biggest cheerleader, his biggest advocate in the hospital, and his support system on both good and bad days. She knows every detail of his medical history and she loves him even though part of his skull is missing, he has sutures covering his whole head and he doesn't remember details about her or their kids somedays. This situation makes me think of the traditional wedding vows of "I, ....take you...to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part." Of course when this couple got married they had no idea that years of being in the hospital would be in store for them. This couple had no idea that they would have to leave their two elementary age kids back home several states away in order that he could go through multiple brain surgeries. They never knew that he would be wheelchair bound from his 30's on. They never knew that at the same time the kids would be working on their homework that dad would be doing his "homework" of trying to remember what activities he had done throughout the day with therapy. Despite the difficulty of this situation this couple is committed. They made those vows and I know it's not easy for them but they're sticking to them. I can't imagine being the person on either side of the relationship. Being the sick or injured person in rehab would be so hard because I've seen upclose how difficult it is to go through a brain tumor, a stroke, a traumatic brain injury, etc. But I also can't imagine being the spouse of the patient. The patience that has to exist, the sacrificial service that is exhibited, and the love that is demonstrated as that individual is literally dependent on you, not just physically but also emotionally and spiritually, is incredible.
Another example is a middle aged male who had a stroke after having a brain tumor removed and he lost all his speech but he has an incredible wife who literally can read his mind. I can't imagine ever being that close to someone that you can look at them and know exactly what they want and what they're thinking but when you see that kind of bond it's beautiful. This couple didn't know when they committed their lives together that he would lose all his speaking capabilities and lose all his strength on half his body and that he would be given a year prognosis with two little girls at home to raise. They didn't know when they got married in their young 20's what would lay ahead but they have stepped up to the challenges and they have stayed committed to eachother in love.
Seeing all these marriages upclose in the hospital sends so many thoughts rolling through my mind: First of all, the commitment of marriage is not something that should be taken lightly. When you say those vows "in sickness and in health..." the sickness part could actually happen. I know I'm just focusing on one type of tragedy that can happen in marriage but there are so many other tragedies that can happen in life as well. Of course when people are getting married no one expects these things to happen but when you look that person in the eyes and say those words you have to realize they can happen and you have to be willing to stay committed through it all.  Secondly, marriage is beautiful. I truly think that marriage is one of the greatest gifts from God. I know I'm not married and I might never be but I hope and pray that the people in my life that desire this can experience it. I also hope and pray that I can experience marriage someday if it's God's plan for me because if anything like the above situations ever happen to me I can't imagine going through it alone.
Today I'm celebrating with my bestie, Rachel, from hundreds of miles away because I know their relationship is founded on true commitment and love from God! and I'm also celebrating with everyone else that I know and love that are in those beautiful committed relationships!

Mark 10:6-9 "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

A thankful heart

Everyday at work I am encouraged and challenged by the way my patients handle the adversity in their lives. One of  my recent patient's was an evangelist and he was in inpatient rehab for a pretty serious stroke. We worked together everyday on re-learning to walk and he would frequently be singing hymns and quoting scriptures throughout the whole treatment session. It would be hard to get him to talk about anything other than God. For example, if I would ask him if he had any visitors the night before he would say "Well I was visited by the Spirit of God..." This man loved the Lord and he told everyone he met on the rehab floor.
It was such a unique experience when this patient was asked to speak for 5 minutes at the weekly worship service on the rehab floor. He had been working with the speech therapist during his whole rehab stay in order to improve his speech problems from the stroke. For weeks he worked on perfecting the message that he was going to share. When the actual worship service happened I went to listen and since then I haven't stopped thinking about the experience. I don't think I will ever be able to forget what occured that afternoon in the rehab gym.
The room was packed and you could tell everyone was excited to hear their fellow peer talk. Now I have always heard about churches where everyone is shouting "Hallelujuah" and singing out "Amen" during the sermon but I had never experienced one before. It was almost a surreal experience because there were a handfull of individuals all saying things at the same time the man was speaking. And when this gentleman started talking he didn't stop- his 5 minute message quickly turned into 15 minutes. But the crazy thing was that it didn't matter. It was so neat to see the joy that filled him when he was able to speak in front of people like he used to. It was so wonderful to see the way all the other patients looked at him with thirst in their eyes for what he was going to share. But the BEST thing was what he said. He started out by sharing the verse from Psalm 150:6 "Let everyhting that has breath praise the Lord." and then after that he quoted over 20 other passages that talked about giving thanks. I was just shocked. Here's this man who had just undergone a massive stroke and he's giving thanks to the Lord and telling all his peers who had also undergone serious injuries to do the same thing.
I stood there thinking "How can you give thanks when you're in that hard of a situation? And Why don't I give thanks like this?" I haven't been through anything comparable to what they have been through and I still don't even praise the Lord with every breath. So it just hit me. And it hit me hard. I'm going to start giving thanks like those patients did in the rehab gym that afternoon. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm going to start shouting out "Praise Jesus" and "Preach it Preacher" during church now or anything but I am saying that I want to give thanks for all things, during all times, and in all circumstances. I want to let every breath I breathe praise the Lord.
How beautiful would it be if we could all live like that? I felt like I got a brief glimpse of how beautiful it would be in the rehab gym that afternoon. And for that experience I am THANKFUL.

"give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thes. 5:18

God is everywhere

As I've moved around a lot recently I've realized in a new way how active and alive the Spirit of the Lord really is. God is in Iowa City doing some amazing stuff. The two years that I lived there I saw him not only change my life, but completely change the lives of people around me.

God is in Chicago and is transforming the city from the inside out. I met some really awesome Christians there and got to see their heart for spreading the Gospel in the city.

God is also in North Carolina moving in incredible ways. The different churches that I've been to have been filled with such great fellowship and are founded on the truths of God's word. The believers that I've met here have been so inspiring to me.

Both in Chicago and NC the majority of the population that live in those places have relocated from all over the country and world and these people have shared with me how God is active and moving in all of their areas of origin as well.

When you grow up in a small city in Iowa you can easily forget that God isn't just working there. He is EVERYWHERE. What's so encouraging to me as I think about where I want to get my first job is that there is Christian community and fellowship everywhere in the US and a lot of places abroad as well.

As I'm thinking about God's love moving here, there and everywhere it makes me think of the passage from Ephesians 3: "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
 
We can't even begin to comprehend how big God is or how big his love is because we have never experienced anything like it before. I'm thankful for this experience of traveling all over because I get to see how God's love is everywhere and I get to experience the BIGNESS of God in a new way.

Enjoying this season

I seriously can't believe I'm halfway through my Duke internship and 3 months away from graduating- CRAZY! I haven't written much recently because I've been having SO much fun in NC- I've been spending lots of time at the beach which has been so wonderful and refreshing! I have absolutely fallen in love with this state and I know it will be a very bittersweet goodbye leaving. If you would have asked me 3 weeks ago if I thought I would ever consider living in NC I would have said "heck no!" but now I definitely would consider it. At the beginning of my Duke internship I had a really hard time knowing why I was here. I really just wanted to jump to Colorado where it was the exact type of PT I thought I wanted to do, where I knew people and had lots of friends/family around, and where I thought I wanted to look for a job. I wanted to be somewhere so I could "settle down"' and feel comfortable and stable. Thankfully God had better plans because he has introduced me to an amazing state with awesome people and opportunities. I don't know if I'll end up living in North Carolina but either way He has taught me a huge lesson through all of this.
I am such a planner. I've always been this way. In highschool I was always planning to get an athletic scholarship in college. In college I was always plannning on getting into the best PT school. In PT school I was planning on getting the best internships and job. It's so easy for me to always want to rush to the next thing, to jump to the next stage, and to embrace the next challenge instead of realizing that there is no final destination. There is no final stop or end goal. Everything is transitional. Everything is temporary. I wanted so badly to arrive at what I thought would be my "next home". I wanted to get to wherever I'm going to "end up" and I wanted to stay there and build community. I have these plans for my life in Colorado and I wanted to make them happen. I wanted to know what's next and I wanted it to unfold. But I'm learning to just keep moving and keep walking because in these transitional periods is when I am becoming who God wants me to be. I haven't arrived at my final destination and I never will. Our lives on earth are composed of different seasons so even when I do get a job somewhere and "settle down" it will just be a start of a new season which will also have an end. What I want to focus on is enjoying each and every season and letting God make me who He wants me to be in all of them.
In the book Cold Tangerines the author describes my exact feelings very well "Everything is interim. Every season that I thought was stable and would be just how it was for a long time ended up being a preparation or a path for the next thing. When you decide to be on this journey with God everything is interim. Everything is an oath or a preparation for the next thing and we never know what the next thing is. Life is like that, of course, twisty and surprising. But life with God is like that exponentially. We can dig in and make plans, write them in stone, pretend we're not listening, but the voice of God has a way of being heard. It seeps in even when we've barred the door against any last minute changes ot our plans and it moves us to differnet countries and different emotional territories and different ways of living. It keeps us moving nad dancing and watching and never let's us drop down into a life set on cruise control. Life with God is a daring dream, full of flashes and last minute exits and all things we said we'd never do. With the surprises comes GREAT HOPE."
I have no idea what my next season or interim will be- I could be working in North Carolina, Colorado, Kenya...the list could go on and on. I am making no plans right now and I am perfectly okay with that because God is teaching me so much right where I'm at.

Free Time

Free time is something that I've never experienced. In high school I was busy with school, sports and work. In college I was busy with the same things but yet quite busier because everything was more demanding. In grad school it was even crazier because the amount of time I put into school was ridiculous. I had a severe lack of free time and barely had any time for the things I love. Now as I'm done with school I feel like I have a multitude of time which I've never experienced before. I know that I work 8-5 5 days a week but honestly at night and on weekends I still feel like I'm VACATION. It is the best thing ever! To be done at the end of the day and not have a million and one things you should study is the best feeling ever. It makes me realize 1) how stressed school made me and how difficult it really was 2) how much of a blessing having free time is.
With all this time on my hands I've been starting to evaluate the question of: what is important to me? What do I want to do with this time God has given me? What am I passionate about? What makes me come alive? How can I use my gifts and talents to glory the Lord? I want to evaluate these questions so when I'm looking for a place to settle I can find a place that has all of these things. So here's my list:
PEOPLE are important to me. Having friends and community- both people that are like me and different than me.
NATURE is important to me. I like to be able to go on a trail run and bike on hilly country roads. I also love being by any bodies of water- it's where I can connect with God the best.
PHYSICAL ACTIVITY. I love being active and moving and I like to be in communities that also value that.
ADVENTURE is important to me because I love trying new things. I always want a new challenge to take on.
SERVICE is important to me. I always want an opportunity to serve in the community and help the underserved people around me.
There are so many hobbies I can see myself investing in, so many service activites I'd love to do, and so many geographical locations I can see myself living in. But I still have no idea where God will lead me. The great thing is that I know He will lead me somewhere where I can use all of my free time and all of my passions and gifts to glorify Him in ways that I can't even begin to dream or imagine.

Eph 3: ^{20 "}Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Why I love my "job"

I know I don't technically have a job yet and I am fully aware that I'm still paying tuition to work full-time but I feel like I have a PT job because I've been working in a clinic/hospital for 3 months now! The good news about my "job" is that I absolutely LOVE it. I feel so incredibly blessed to be in a profession that I love going to everyday and I want to do for the rest of my life. It's encouraging when you look back on all of the many years of schooling and all the hard work poured in and you know that it was all worth it.
So here's the reason why I love PT...I just love my patients. They encourage me, they inspire me, they challenge me, they make me laugh, they make me cry, they share their stories with me, they share their families with me, and they share their lives with me and invite me in as a friend.
The job of being a rehab PT isn't always easy. In fact, it's really difficult. When a patient is crying in realization that they'll never be able to walk again after their car accident it's hard. When a patient has aphasia after a stroke and isn't able to express any of the words they want to say and they keep trying but get so frustrated, it's hard to know what to do.
Everyday I show up at my "job" I realize how BLESSED I am. To be healthy and to have family and friends that are healthy is such a blessing and it is not something to take for granted even though we all do all the time. All my patients are ordinary people who lived ordinary lives and one day something crazy drastic happened to them and their lives were dramatically changed. There is nothing more impactful than getting to spend 1-2 hrs a day for a couple weeks with someone during this dramatic life change.  Their stories break my heart. I've realized it's hard to not be a hypochondriac and worry that the things that happen to them will happen to the people I love in my life. I have to frequently remind myself to not live in fear but to instead really cherish every moment.
Ok so now I need to brag about my patients because they're just so wonderful and they add so much joy to my life...
One of my favorite patients is a father of two girls and a very accomplished professor. He has a brain tumor that was removed and he has a poor prognosis. He sadly has aphasia and is only able to communicate the word "yes" and he also is unable to use any muscles on his left side of the body.  Despite all this he is the most determined person I have ever met becuase he doesn't want his girls to see him weak so he tries his hardest to stand and walk everyday. He is the HAPPIEST person I've ever met because he is always smiling and always laughing. Can you imagine living without words and being unable to move, knowing that you have a year to live and that you're leaving you family behind? Now imagine knowing all of that and still living with JOY. CRAZY! This man is my hero.
Another favorite patient is around the same age and unfortunately has the same diagnosis and prognosis. He would get very frustrated with the complete loss of his independence and he would frequently tear up during therapy sessions because he couldn't talk or move like he used to. When he would tear up I would try my hardest to encourage him and tell him how he was doing so well. We bonded through all of our PT sessions together even though he was never able to use his words. On his last day of therapy he was leaving and he gave me a firm handshake and he started tearing up and he wouldn't let go of my hand for a really long time...we just stood there, tears in our eyes, shaking hands for a good couple minutes. I'm sorry but how am I supposed to not cry when that happens?!? It broke my heart. It devastated me that at the young age of 50 he has a max of 1 year to live. I feel so blessed that I got to meet and work with such a sweet man with such a tender heart. Can you imagine spending the last year of your life unable to tell the people in your life that you love them and unable to do the activities that you love? The amount of courage and strength this man showed is an inspiration to me.
An all-time favorite patient is a young woman who has a very serious debilitating disease like M.S. but more serious and progressive. When she came into the hospital she couldn't move a single muscle in her body but now she is slowly re-learning how to stand and walk. She was on feeding tubes for 3 months and had to be on a mechanical ventilator for 2 months. She told me recently that she had never believed in God before getting this disease but since going through this and seeing the miracle that God has performed in her life she believes in him. She is the most selfless person I have ever met. When patients were sharing prayer requests at the worship worship on the rehab floor she said she didn't have any requests to share other than to pray for everyone on the floor that is sick and discouraged. Can you imagine going through all of that and being unsure of your ability to stand and walk for the rest of your life at the age of 20 and saying you want to pray for everyone else and not yourself? CRAZY! This young woman has taught me more about living selflessly and being humble than I have ever learned before.
I seriously could go on and on about how much I love these patients and new friends of mine. They have all changed my life in so many ways. I can only hope and pray that I can encourage, love, and inspire them in a small way compared to what they have done for me.

Provision

Today is a big day. This morning marks the first time I have ever sat alone at church with not a single soul I know. I have been so blessed to have always been surrounded by family and friends at church. Even studying abroad I made some new friends who I went to Spanish mass with. The weird thing is that this morning it was a lot easier than expected to walk into the church alone and sit in a pew by myself. My eyes were filled with tears during the worship songs not because of loneliness or fear but instead because I was completely overwhelmed with God's provision and faithfulness. My last three months have been crazy and hard but God has provided for me every step of the way.
For those of you who know me well you know that I hate change and transition and I also hate being alone. My transition from highschool to college and college to grad school were really tough because I like having a million friends to hangout with and live life with. When I was choosing clinicals I don't know why the heck my family or close friends didn't stop me when I was choosing locations all over the country. They really should have said "umm Anna...do you realize how difficult this is going to be for you?" But thankfully they didn't. Because they also know that I love adventures and I love challenges. I love trying new things, I love meeting new people, and I love going to new places. Therefore, I am loving this time in my life but it is also so hard for me to make all these transitions. To go to 3 different places for 9 wks each is really difficult. This second move was hard because it was a 18+ hour drive away from home and I literally know no one and know nothing about Durham, let alone North Carolina! There's the basic things I like to have under control with a location I'm living like where is it safe to run and bike, where do I get groceries, how do I get to work, etc. but there's also the more important things of who is going to be my friend and who am I going to go on all of my adventures with? Every 5 mins of my drive here and throughout my first week here I've been asking "What the heck am I doing here?" but God has blown me away with His provision.
The two main ways I can see God's provision is by 1) providing people in my life and 2) providing a good internship.
1) People: When my mom and I arrived in Durham after our very long drive we went to a church that was recommended to us and the first person that introduced herself to us was from Iowa and was incredibly welcoming. She told my mom that she would look after me while I was here and then later on that day (perfectly timed so that it was immediately after a tearful goodbye with my mom at the airport) she invited me on a picnic with her family at a beautiful lake.  Also, I have super fun roommates who are Duke PT/grad students and they have welcomed me so well and have invited me to all of their fun PT hangouts and taught me a lot about the area.
2) Internship: I was anxious about my new internship at Duke and about being with a new clinical instructor but both have been great since Day 1. My clinical instructor is the most encouraging person ever and has made my transition so easy. Also, I have had such amazing and inspiring patients that have made me want to go into work everyday. Please stay tuned for future blogs because I will be wriiting in much more detail about them ; )
God is a provider. He is so faithful. I decided that even if I gain nothing else from these 6 months of traveling than seeing God's provision and faithfulness in the most intimate way than that alone makes this time completely worth it.
Today, in a city that I don't know and in a city with no one I know, my heart is overflowing because the one thing I do know is that God is with me and He alone is providing for me in this place. 

Final thoughts from Chicago

I absolutely loved my clinical in Chicago and I wanted to sum up some of the highs and the lows....
The great things of Chicago include:
1) Chicago has GREAT food and I became a "foodie" during my time there. Some of my favorite restaurants were Thai, Indian, Costa Rican and Cuban. Chicago has every possible type of food you can ever imagine and it's all so GOOD!
2) Chicago is one of the best cities in the country because of it's location on Lake Michigan. It seriously feels like you're on the ocean during summertime- everyone is always playing on the beach and having a great time on the water.
3) Chicago is great at building community within the city. There are lots of fun tourists things to do but I really enjoyed being a "local" and taking advantage of the festivals and farmers markets in Chicago. Both are AWESOME! My favorite festival was the rib fest and you just sample ribs from all the best BBQ places in the city.
4) I love how active the people of Chicago are. There are workout faciliites everywhere and tons of runners/bikers etc. I loved running/biking on Lake Michigan because it was beautiful on the water with the skyscrappers right there (not to mention that the people watching was superb- lots of runners look like they walked straight out of a Richard Simmons video with their 80s workout outfits. Also, I enjoyed watching people run/walk and analyzing their gait because I could easily determine who would soon have to be seen at PT because of their poor walk/run patterns.)
5) I LOVE PT! I seriously can't wait to be a PT for the rest of my life. The highlight of my day everyday was working with patients, whether either doing hands-on time with them or helping teach them exercises. I had so many wonderful and unique patients and I miss them all a lot. I have sooo many awesome patient stories and if you want to hear about them you can read back in my earlier blogs or ask me about them!
6)  Chicago is a very diverse city and most days I didn't feel like I was in the Midwest. I worked with lots of patients who were from all over the country or from other countries. I really liked interacting with patients so different from the ones I had worked with in Iowa. In Chicago my eyes were opened to a bigger world and I am so thankful for that because I want my world to never be small.
7) There are some WONDERFUL people that live in Chicago. I lived with and met some GREAT people during my 9 weeks. My roommate and her friends welcomed me in and invited me to everything with them! I learned so much from them all and really enjoyed my time with them.

and the not-so great things about Chicago....
-I'm really not a fan of Chicago's traffic. I am not patient enough to wait in standstill traffic for hours at 2:30pm on Friday afternoons when I'm trying to get back home
-I really like biking around the city but I never felt safe doing it. I had a couple too many close calls biking in the city (almost getting hit by a person opening their car door and then on a another occasion a car pulling a big U-turn and swiping my front wheel.)
-Chicago is a city of CRIME. I did not enjoy getting my car broken into on my birthday but more importantly I had several patients that were cops and they frequently told me stories about all the crime that happened in the city and it was CRAZY stuff! Feeling safe is one thing I realize I have always taken for granted and I miss the feeling of safety a lot when it's not present.

Overall, I loved Chicago and I loved my 9 weeks there. I'm so thankful that the Lord blessed my short time there in so many different ways! I don't plan on moving to Chicago after graduation but at the same time I'm not quite sure where the heck I'll end up...only God knows ; )

Refined like gold

Chicago was such a season of growth. I remember about a month into my time there I told someone that I didn't feel very close with the Lord because I didn't feel the same desperate need for him there that I had felt being in grad school. Well that quickly changed and suddenly I found myself at a very broken spot but it was so beautiful because it was so growth filled. One thing I think is so cool about God is that when he tries to teach us something he does it through multiple different avenues. For example, he will put a simple thought on your heart, then you'll read about the same thing in scripture, then you'll hear something similiar from a friend, and then it'll be stated at a church service. I had this happen to me during my time in Chicago this summer.

God has been teaching me how much he uses times of suffering to refine us. The thing that is so amazing about suffering is that it is a divine instrument used by God to shape us and mold us. Often I get upset going through times of trial and I wonder why they happen but then I realize that when I ask God everyday to shape me, mold me, transform me, and make me more Holy then He is going to do that because our God answers prayers. When I look back at these times it's hard for me to not think "well maybe I should stop praying to be more like Jesus because when I do things fall apart." But then I realize that the way that He is choosing to answer those prayers is by changing me to be more like him through pain and brokenness. We go through trials because God knows we need to. We go through them for our own growth and maturing.

At a church service I went to in Chicago the pastor talked about how a goldsmith says that gold is not ready to come out from the fire until he can see his own image in the gold. That's what it's like for us in our relationship with the Lord. We're not a finished product until He can look at us and see himself. I don't know about ya'll but I'm for sure not there yet! It really comes down to if we want to be made in the image of Christ. If we do then we accept suffering as a gift from God and we run to him every step of the way. So let's keep praying that we can keep being thrown in the fire and becoming more purified through the refining process. I want the character of Jesus to be constantly reflected in me. I want to be complete in God's glory alone.


2 Cor 4:8-11 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body."

Truth for today

Sometimes at times like this I wonder why we have to go through hard and frustrating things.
Recently I have been feeling challenged in many different ways and I keep finding myself questioning the Lord- "Why God? Why? This isn't what I had planned. This isn't what I wanted...etc, etc." God thankfully is extremely patient with me and lets me whine and complain but constantly reminds me "Anna, my plan is so much better. Stop stressing and just rest and trust in me." It is seriously a constant battle in my head. At least every 5 mins I have to remind myself of the Lord's truths.
I recently listened to a really stellar sermon by Tim Keller and he stated "The worst thing God can do for us is give us all the desires of our heart." Right now there are a lot of desires and dreams on my heart that are not being fulfilled but I believe that there is a reason for that. I know this is true because God has proved this to me in the past. When I think back on past times when there were things I REALLY wanted but didn't get I'm so thankful that I went through those times because those things I wanted were either 1) not good in the first place and God saved me from going down a bad road, or b) there was a lot of growth, learning and transformation that came from going through those times.
C.S. Lewis puts it best when he states "To say God can't let anything bad happen to us is to say that he doesn't love us."
I have recently been reflecting on how God is our Heavenly Father. We all know that fathers don't let their kids have everything they want. No wise father will give his kids everything they want because he knows better on what's good for them and what's not. Well it's the same with God. He doesn't let us have everyhting we want because he knows that it's not all good for us, in fact a lot of things are really dangerous for us. I firmly believe that God does not withhold good things from his children. His intentions are always right and always true.
Tim Keller states "The degree that you believe in God using suffering to define us is the degree of wisdom that you have."
I am not confident of much in my life right now. I don't know what North Carolina will bring. I don't know where I'll be living/working in 3 months for my last internship. I don't know where I'll live or work following graduation. I don't know when my heart will heal...etc, etc. But there is one thing I am confident of- God is using this suffering to shape me, mold me, and transform me into a more godly woman. And for that I am thankful because that is what I pray for every single day. As much as I don't want to go through these struggles, I more importantly don’t want to limit what God is using in order to change me. I am thankful that God is more interested in my holiness than in my immediate happiness. My last Tim Keller quote: "We can't say we want to be like Jesus and then resist the very instrument he chooses to fulfill that."

My wedding toast

I have ALWAYS wanted a sister. There's kinda a joke that's been going around my family for a while now and it's how I wanted Vince to be a girl SO BADLY during my entire childhood. At one point I actually hit him when he was an infant because I just really wanted him to play dolls with me and he wouldn't and that was so frustrating for me. But 19 yrs after Vince was born I now finally have a sister! I couldn't be more happy to have Emily join our family.

Now I'm going to be really honest here...to say that I've always felt excited for their wedding day would be a lie. I've loved Emily since the first time I've met her so it's never been a problem with her at all. More so it's been a problem with ME. My selfish pride has gotten in the way of welcoming my sister-in-law with the love and care that she deserves. I've realized a lot of things about myself through my bro getting married. First off, I've realized how much of a jealous person I am. I didn't want Miles to get married first. He's not the oldest and that's just not how it should happen. I should be the one leading the family and doing the big steps first. But what I've realized is that Miles was so ready to claim Emily as his bride because he has maturity beyond his years.  I will quote Vince's best man toast from the wedding because I couldn't agree more with his words "Miles, you’re my hero because you are humble. You lay down your life for the people around you just like Christ laid down His life for you." Miles loves Emily with such a sacrificial love. The way that he loves Emily is absolutely beautiful. He serves her and loves her so faithfully. He has done that since the day he met her and I know that he will do that until the day he dies. As Tim Keller says in his book King's Cross "All real, life-changing love is substituionary sacrifice...we know that anybody who has ever done anything that made a difference for us- a friend, a spouse- sacrificed in some way, stepped in and accepted some hardship so that we would not get hit with it ourselves. Therefore it makes sense that a God who is more loving than you and I, a God who comes into the world to deal with the ultimate evil would have to make a substitutionary sacrifice." I am fully confident that Miles is going to lay down his life for Emily everyday and love her just like Christ loves the church.

I'm so thankful to have such an awesome example of how a Godly man should pursue and love a Godly woman. I'm thankful to have Emily and Miles as a wonderful example of what a Christ centered relationship should look like. I am thankful they were the first ones of the family to head down this road because God knows I wouldn't do it with the amount of love and grace that they have displayed. I am so happy to FINALLY have a sister and I feel so blessed to have one that is so amazing. And I couldn't be more proud of my brother Miles for the man that he is and for the way that he loves.

People are crazy...

My past week in Chicago was really good! I got to go on some new Chicago adventures. I went to a really fancy Italian restaurant downtown and then went to the top floor of the Hancock building (96th floor). It's crazy going up to the top because the elevator is really fast and my ears popped the entire time. At the top there's this really fancy restaurant and cocktail bar and you can look out at all the city lights and it's really beautiful.

I've been wondering this past week why I haven't been as lonely as I expected and I think it's because I get to be around people all day at work and I have made friends with so many of my patients. Obviously all of them are temporary friendships but I still enjoy all of them very much now! Recently there was a 25 year old girl patient who I bonded with who is a dolphin/whale trainer at Shedd aquarium- how SWEET is that!

I've also been wondering how I'm surviving because I'm severely lacking in my hug count. My mom has told me from a young age that you need 8 hugs a day to keep your love tank full and I definitely don't get that here. But I've realized that because I am always touching patients- either soft tissue mobilization or other hands on approaches- I don't feel as deprived. I still know I' m lacking in my hugs since touch is one of my love languages and there's not many friends here that I am close enough to hug.

It's crazy when I think about how different my life is here in Chicago. My friends are different than friends I've ever had in the past- they're more artsy and they have really creative jobs/dreams for future jobs. It's been fun to not only work at the PT clinic with a wide variety of people but to also hangout with a variety of Chicago-ians (although most of them are from all over the country/world and have decided to call chicago home in the past 5 years). I'm almost positive that I have eaten out more in the 5 weeks I've been here than I did my whole past year in IC. It's difficult to avoid it when that's honestly all people do here- they eat and they drink. It's totally part of the Chicago culture. I'm trying to embrace and live the culture here while at the same time not trying to gain weight and spend ridiculous amounts of money.  I love all the fun food options- there’s literally every potential nationality of food and it’s all so good. My roommate and her friends go out to eat every Wed and my favorites so far have been Thai and costa rican!

Probably the thing I love most about the city is all the activities that are happening all around. My favorite part of my day is running/biking on Lake Michigan. There is always so much activity happening- sand vball, swimming, running, biking, roller blading, paddle boarding, sailing, yoga, etc. I really enjoy working out by the water and seeing the skyline because it's so pretty but I also love the people watching. There is a very diverse crowd that works out in this area and some of them wear crazy clothes. My favorite was a man who looked like he stepped straight out of a Richard Simmon's video because he was wearing a bright yellow tank with bright yellow checkered spandex. It's really obvious that I'm a PT because I always am analyzing people's walking and running gaits and I usually make predictions of who I will be seeing in the PT clinic within the next week!

Ok now it's time for my BEST patient story EVER:

Thursday I was doing a new eval on a patient who was just starting PT after a knee surgery that had been done 6 weeks ago. He was very fearful of moving his knee and our whole time together was just over the top ridiculous. First of all, I went to greet the patient and his wife and the wife started out by telling me that her and "Ronnie" (the stuffed animal frog that she pulled out of her purse) were going to come to PT with him. Then when I started treatment the patient was in pain as I was moving his knee so his wife placed "Ronnie" on the table with him in order to cheer him up. "Ronne" stayed there for the duration of the appointment until I had to use that part of the table so I kindly asked if I could move him but the patient's wife insisted that only she could touch him and move him. (You have to realize that this whole time I'm trying to not bust out in laughter because this man and his wife are both 50 years old and they both looked like they had walked straight out of the 1980's.) Finally my boss came to check in and asked what was up with the stuffed animal and the wife literally told a 10 min story about "Ronnie" and she proceeeded to pull out her phone and show how the stuffed animal was the background of her phone. WOW. I know I'll collect more and more crazy patient stories but as of now this is my best one!

Life as an official Chicago resident

1 month done! I feel like I'm an official Chicago resident now because of the following: I know the main streets, I know how to use the basic transportation systems, and I don't walk around looking confused and lost like a tourist anymore! YAY!

Things at work are going well- I'm treating more and more patients everyday. I seriously would say the highlight of everyday is the interactions I have with people. I absolutely love the variety of patients I have. One woman is an acrobat and she specializes in the trapeze and acrobatic rope. I got super pumped the other day when she said they have beginner classes and I'm considering doing them because that would be SO AWESOME! Another patient is a wife of an X-chicago Bears football player. She's a tennis player and we get to talk about tennis and work on tennis focused drills and I LOVE IT! Another patient is a Chicago cop and he LOVES to tell stories about all the crime in Chicago and it's entertaining to listen to but also slightly scary because it turns out that Chicago is really dangerous!!! Everyday we hear about at least 7 more people getting shot in Chicago. It's really crazy to live in a place with so much crime! The joke at the clinic is that I've had 2 of the 3 "welcome to chicago" events happen: 1) getting hit on the road by a car while biking 2) getting my car broken into and 3) getting shot at (the last one hasn't happened and hopefully never will!) I've seriously had so many patients that come in and have been seriously injured by being hit by a car- either while walking across a crosswalk or while biking! I am thankful that although 2 of the 3 have happened that I'm okay and I view them all as good little reminders to be careful!  Most days here I feel like I'm in Spain again with the amount that I get "cat called" on the streets. It is a daily occurrence to get whistled at or yelled at at least a dozen times walking around my neighborhood. Some of the things people say is so ridiculous- one of my favorites from this week was "HOT HONEY" like really? If they're trying to win me over they're definitely not doing it effectively! I was thoroughly surprised when I was even walking with a guy on the street talking and you think that then the creepers would leave you alone if you're talking to another guy but that wasn't the case and the creepers kept whistling and honking!

Sorry I know I just complained about Chicago for a while but now I'll state something positive about the city. I love all the free events in Chicago- they have free concerts and movies in Millenium park all the time which I really enjoy taking advantage of with my friends here. This past week we went to the movie Chicago which was pretty fitting based on our geographical location!
I also had a new fun experience last week when I went to a speakeasy. I had never heard of them before moving here but people kept talking about them and I was confused what they were referring to. It turns out that its a nice "underground" cocktail bar with lots of really fun drinks. We went to one in a hipster area and the mood and lighting was super fun.

I feel like I'm not only learning a lot about life but I'm learning a lot about my faith. I am really trying to focus on having a constant convo with God. It's SO HARD. I often feel myself missing my friends and life from Iowa City as well as feeling overwhelmed about the stress of working with my boss and all the other unknowns about the city of Chicago but I keep reminding myself that I am on this adventure with God and all I need to do is just hold his hand, keep talking to him, and keep trusting him.

Psalms 37 "Trust in the Lord and do good, dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will do this: he will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him...The lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him, though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord unholds him with his hand."